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| Don't actually click this. No one will chat with you |
However, I do enjoy customer service "chats," those pop-up chats that allow you to talk to representative with generic names like "James" and "Sally." One of my favorite things to do when using customer service chats is to bait the representative into getting off topic. I try to get a reaction or response, but almost never get either from well-trained (or indifferent) representatives. I consider it a true writer's challenge to try to wordsmith a reaction or break in "character," and as hard as I try, I very rarely succeed.
That was until tonight.
I went to pay my cable bill online, and noticed a discrepancy in my account. That's how the chat started; here's how it evolved.
Nick Chanese: Sarah, I would like to check two things. First, I
thought I saw on my web profile that I have 2 receivers. That is
incorrect; I only have one and returned the second months ago. I want to make
sure I'm not being charged for two. Second, I would like to remove Showtime
from my package
Sarah: I can help you with
that!
Sarah: Please allow me a
moment, while I access your account.
Nick Chanese: No problem
Sarah: Thank you, Nick
Nick Chanese: Still there?
Sarah: Yes, I am working on
your account.
Nick Chanese: Alright - sorry to interrupt
Sarah: I have a good news
for you.
Nick Chanese: Did I win a puppy?
Sarah: Thank you Nick for
waiting, I appreciate your patience.
Sarah: I would like to
inform you that I have reduce your monthly bill.
Sarah: I can see that there
is no promotional discount active on your account.
Sarah: Due to which your
monthly bill is high.
Sarah: We value you as a
customer.
Sarah: I have reduce your
monthly bill by adding a new promotions on your account.
Sarah: Does that sound great
to you?
Nick Chanese: Yes, but I assume that means that I did NOT win a puppy,
and also you did not answer the two issues that I started with (the extra
receiver and Showtime)
Sarah: And also I have removed the receiver fee from your
account and I have removed Showtime from your account.
Nick Chanese: Great. For how long have I been charged for the extra
receiver, because my guess would be I am due for a retroactive credit - since I
was paying for something I did not have.
Sarah: Please be assured,
their is no receiver fee on your account.
Nick Chanese: "there" not "their"
Sarah: I am sorry, for my
typing mistake.
Nick Chanese: Sorry - I'm an English teacher
Nick Chanese: It's a reflex
Sarah: Please accept my apology.
Sarah: Great!
Sarah: No problem.
Nick Chanese: Please don't apologize.
Sarah: I respect you, Nick
...
Sarah: I can see that there is a TV reciver fee and Internet
equipment fee on your account.
Sarah: So I have removed
both fees from your account for 1 year.
Sarah: And I can see that
there is a late payment fee on your account.
Nick Chanese: Sarah...Put your hand on your screen because my hand is
on my screen. We are giving each other an internet high-five
Sarah: My hands are also on
my screen.
Sarah: Yeah..
Nick Chanese: Is that the first internet high-five you've ever had?
Sarah: Yes, you are correct.
Nick Chanese: I am honored to be the first
Sarah: Sure.
Sarah: I would like to inform you that I will provide you a
credit on your current bill for late fee.
Nick Chanese: This has been quite a chat tonight Sarah. You saved me
money; we had an internet high five; you're sending me a puppy as a prize....
Sarah: How does that sound
to you?
Sarah: I appreciate your
patience, I am glad to confirm that I have waived $10.00 from your account.
Sarah: You will be able to
view these changes within next few minutes on your online account.
Sarah:
Nick Chanese: Sarah...now I'm hugging my monitor. Hug your monitor and
you will receive my internet hug of gratitude
Sarah: Please be assured,
from next month onwards your monthly bill will be of ... plus Taxes.
Nick Chanese: It's powers of ten more special than an internet high
five
Sarah: Top of that you are getting U-450 TV service and 18Mbps
Internet speed.
Nick Chanese: WHAT?
Sarah: I’m always looking
for ways to help my customers save money.
Nick Chanese: Now you are out of control
Sarah: Yes, this is true.
Nick Chanese: You have gone rogue! You are drunk on the power of the
Direct TV acquisition!
Sarah: In ... per month
I am providing you U-450 and 18Mbps Internet speed.
Nick Chanese: What's the catch Sarah? How long can I live in this Eden
Sarah: Did I able to give a
smile on your face today?
Nick Chanese: You have punched me square in the jaw with your fist of
savings
Sarah: I would like to
inform you that the promotional offers are for complete 1 year on your Internet
service.
Sarah: And you will have 3
months promotional discount on your TV service.
Sarah: I request you to
please contact us again once the promotions expire and we will add a new
promotions again on your account.
Nick Chanese: I KNEW IT! Do I have to call back in 3 months to cancel
or will it automatically disappear in 3 months
Sarah: Since you are a valuable
customer of AT&T.
Sarah: I will add a notes on
your account that you will get the best promotions in future.
Nick Chanese: How valuable? Would you say I'm the most valuable, very
valuable, or just kinda valuable?
Sarah: I would like to inform you that you will get a
notification on your registered AT&T email id when your promotions will get
expire.
Nick Chanese: And then I will sign back into chat, where I will ONLY
speak to you Sarah, and you will get me a kitten to go along with the puppy
that I should expect in 3-6 weeks
Sarah: You are most valuable
customer, Nick
Nick Chanese: My neighbors have Uverse. I'm going next door to tell
them that I'm more valuable than they are after we're done here
Sarah: Ohoo
Nick Chanese: Oooh is right.
Nick Chanese: They are going to be so jealous of me
Sarah: Okay.
Sarah: Ya sure.
Nick Chanese: Especially when they see the puppy
Sarah: Nick, I have one question for you.
Sarah: May I?
Nick Chanese: Shoot Sarah
Nick Chanese: ask away
Sarah: Nick from where I
will get puppy for you?
Nick Chanese: I would prefer a rescue organization. They do good work
Sarah: I am very much
worried about that.
Nick Chanese: You call them, have AT&T foot the bill, and I'll go
pick it up
Nick Chanese: We can do the kitten first if that's easier. There's a
cat shelter right down the road from me
Sarah: Okay.
Sarah: Yes, that is a good
idea.
Nick Chanese: http://www.ctcatconnection.org/
Nick Chanese: You pick the kitten. I trust your judgement
Sarah: Thank you for the
information.
Sarah: Okay.
Nick Chanese: I'll even let you name him/her
Sarah: Nick, I have one more
good news for you.
Nick Chanese: You already picked out the kitten?
Sarah: No, not yet.
Nick Chanese: Sorry - jumped the gun. JUST SO EXCITED FOR A KITTEN!
Sarah: I am work right now, and my system does not allow to
access the website.
Sarah: I am sorry for that.
Sarah: Please accept my
apology.
Sarah: I promise I will do
that from my home computer.
Nick Chanese: Use your smartphone. I'll keep typing so your boss
thinks your working
Nick Chanese: So about that .....hmmm......Let's talk about
upload speeds
Sarah: I love to do that.
Nick Chanese: (he doesn't suspect a thing)
Nick Chanese: you're
Sarah: But we do not have a
our phone with us.
Nick Chanese: I made a type
Sarah: They are in lockers.
Nick Chanese: typo
Nick Chanese: now we're even
Nick Chanese: that's oppressive. It's time to rise up against your
oppressors. Spread the word in the call center
Sarah: Okay.
...
Sarah: I want to make sure I have addressed all your concerns
and was able to make you a very satisfied customer by the end of the chat.
Nick Chanese: We saved money, we internet high-fived AND internet
hugged, you promised me new pets. I don't see how it could have gone any
better, Sarah.
Sarah: Thank you so much!!
Nick
Sarah: It's been a
"great pleasure" to be at your service today!! I must admit you have
been the most polite and patient customer I have ever dealt with in many days
now.
Sarah: You can click the RED
X button at the right hand side of the chat window when you are ready to exit.
Sarah: Your feedback will be
appreciated after this chat.
Nick Chanese: Thanks Sarah. Have a great night. You can send the
animal names to the email address on record
Sarah: Thank you for being
the best part of .... Take good care of yourself & have a wonderful
time with your family and friends ahead!!
Sarah: Sure, I will.
Sarah: Have a great night.
Bye!! Take Care!!
Nick Chanese: Peace out homeslice
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